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These are some selected poems I wrote in December of 2019, using a shared prompt list that Laurel created and also worked from.
“A beginning, a middle, and an end” (12/18/19) it started with the leaning, my head on your thighs, your back on my chest burrowing deeper into october and each other trying to warm the frost and we tried for a while, to keep the fire burning as we skated on thin ice. I saw the cracks, heard the creaking, but who would want to believe, that to survive the winter you must let things freeze? so when you stopped tending the fire, I roused the flames higher, higher, until the icicles were ablaze, and you could not meet my gaze. “Love” (12/19/19) I used to wonder, worry, about love. If you wanted to feel me next to you, as much as I found solace in your touch. If you knew my mind like a coming home, like I felt seen by you. I wondered if we could build a fire in the melding place. We lit a spark, a thought experiment. And our fire is still burning, two years since. “Heartbeat” (12/21/19) Today is the last day you will hold me like this. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Bodies pressed together, hip and thigh, your arms across my back as I sigh, listening. Ear against your breast as your heart beats, I try to memorize your pulse, your life. You are soft, quiet, steady. The room around is silent, but for the clock. “Balance/off balance” (12/23/19) Forgive me for my frailty, I’m trying not to fall as my legs shake and my head aches, leaning against the wall. It’s not my fault, I know that much. Please don’t walk away. I’m tired of this, and so are you. Just hold me close, and stay. One of these days, I’ll stand so tall you’d never see it coming. Then you won’t have to bear my weight, to keep me off the floor. And while I’m working to be strong, I’ll try to compensate. I’ll dry your tears and whisper loving words in your small ears. And if you find that’s not enough, you need to take a break, I understand, I’ll wait until we can walk hand in hand. “Contentment” (12/25/19) I almost fell asleep, with my head on your chest and fought to stay awake, so you could leave. You'd been running fingers through my hair, so your hand rested there. Silently sitting on my bed, collapsing into each other. Our legs were warm, touching. I listened to your heart, a familiar beat. And I thought about how, this time, I felt more complete. “Rivers, roads” (12/30/19) I've been on many roads in the past few days, through Texas, Arkansas, and Tennessee. And sometimes I've passed over rivers, sometimes I've passed over streams. I've seen and felt the ways that each road is unique. Some of them are long, stretching far into the night, Where nothing ever reaches; not our car, not our headlights. But some of them are short, with their endings known and clear, From the little farmstead with three black cows to the hills of Dollywood. By now, I've driven home, and I'm curled up in my bed. Thinking about the fallen leaves, the slow-growing saplings lining the way, and the mist of the Blue Ridge mountains, which has left me in a trance. -Eden
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Five Ways To Look At A Tadpole
by Eden of @the.autisticats I. the tadpole pushes away its captor its protector the provider II. the water is thick with cold the tadpole wishes it could be as red as the painted sky III. orbs in the dark glisten and the tadpole thinks “once, I shined too” IV. frogs sing under moonlight the lake is deep and the tadpole yearns for a voice V. sand covers the tadpole gentle and rough an aimless satin sheet Taking Up Space
by Eden of @the.autisticats two incidents at least, the ones that stood out the ones that took up space replaced mine like it’s okay, i’m a ghost of a person anyway. picture day and my backpack’s in the bleachers i get back, someone’s there where i was, where i should be. i climb up, move my backpack to the lower step. my friends return to their original seats. math class and the girl in front of me turns around takes up half my desk with her arm leans on her elbow takes her time, takes some selfies. she doesn’t speak to me. i disappear. Happy Stimming
by Eden of @the.autisticats i can’t help it the balloon in my chest expanding, getting lighter, lighter it fills with glitter and a small fire and when it bursts it rushes, flashes, sprints through my fingertips warm vibrations, overwhelming ecstasy i jump, throw my head back move with the golden energy. i am the instrument and joy is the minstrel i can’t hide it the fluttering of fingers electric impulses jolting my head because my team scored a goal or someone said something beautiful the most beautiful things are pure in their hilarity when words bring people together when the air is filled with sparkling tendrils of pride and joy and community shimmering ribbons fill my chest they stream through my veins and my body plays a song Human
by Eden of @the.autisticats I. she is not human she is super-human too human to be human the humans turn away II. she moves incessantly she is the motion of the wind the banging of branches on window panes in pain begging to be let in III. the wind starts a fire inside the wind wants to be wanted it feeds the fire the fire grows it stirs the air IV. the wind picks up speed the fire screams she roars ripping out the glass it crashes, forms daggers V. the humans see her for the first time: a hurricane of heat VI. they turn away Sailing Blind
by Eden of @the.autisticats it’s you and me here, sweetheart you and me standing in this makeshift boat we got in together because the sea goes on forever but forever’s too long for these splintered oars i didn’t know what was happening the night i crashed us into a lighthouse and you fell in, and onto the rocks and i fell backwards when i heard you scream i pulled you back in but you wouldn’t let me touch you it hurt too much so we sat there soaking wet crying and cold both wishing you had stranded me the day i told you i was sailing blind I Try And Fail
by Eden of @the.autisticats i try and fail to contain these words words not easily contained they reach out they strike her across the cheek and i reach for them, i reach for her i try and fail to pull her up off the floor to separate my tangled words from her hair where they got stuck and inched their way around her neck i try and fail to apologize to explain what the mess all means it’s not enough i try and fail to separate myself from the source of the words but she knows they are mine and i do too so she takes out her scissors and cuts off her hair leaving my words with no place to tangle and no place to call their own i try and fail to remedy what cannot be fixed i dress her scars in gauze and i wonder why i didn’t do this sooner if the monster inside regrets a thing and if it died whether anyone would dare come closer Las Vegas (Eyes)
by Eden of @the.autisticats sitting in silence staring at and through a screen my outrage is numbed because my eyes wear scars they see, but cannot sense the impact of images they are exposed to daily i want to allow myself to feel this fully that prospect is daunting because i’d spend the day in tears salty water would erode the scars and my jaded eyes would be re- born so, i sit in silence staring at and through a screen unmoving, and unfeeling my mind is merely scratched as the world falls down two thousand miles away from me What Does It Mean
by Eden of @the.autisticats what does it mean to keep a secret that wants to be revealed a secret that needs to die is bursting at the seams and whispers when you’re not there what does it mean to stand in shadows that others don’t see to hide in plain sight get lost in a crowd to forge an invisible mask that covers the lips and what does it mean when those lips have a story to tell when should they move the crowd will stand still and its heads will turn slowly until it decides whether to kill or continue what does it mean to love in a world that refuses to receive it a world where love is holy until it is sin where limits are placed on god’s grace and those that surpass them are martyred Incubate (Charlottesville)
by Eden of @the.autisticats I. here is the place the place we stood the place we understood the place we stand the place we understand II. they are screeching in the distance voices and wheels, one vehicle of persecution hear the monster roaring louder there is a ringing in your ears then a shockwave III. your sister clings to your arm stumbling wailing and you’re empty when you try to speak because you're at the center of the storm IV. scream and rip out the sinews that bound your heart together they have now been cut let go of them and watch them fall into the tear gas and the blood V. and when you are ready tend to the fragile, the injured, the weak whose colors have been spilled on cobbled streets and grassy hills please incubate their souls |
AuthorWe're the Autisticats: Eden, Leo, and Laurel. This is where we post our original poetry. Archives
December 2019
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